Relationship Building Blocks

My mother, a very, VERY wise woman, once told me that in order for a relationship to succeed it needed to be built like a house- in order, with a strong foundation, lots of work, good supports, and constant maintenance. She then gave me the building blocks for this strong foundation and the good supports.  That advice has helped me build all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, and I think it's time for my mother's advice to help others as well.

This is the first building block in any worthwhile relationship. You have to communicate with each other. And that doesn't just mean talking. It means speaking to one another and LISTENING to their response.

All too often we see the scene in comics or on some show. The couple's sitting together in a room. Person A tries to tell Person B something. Person B is too caught up in whatever they're doing to listen. So Person A gets a "uh-huh, whatever you say dear," they walk off all hurt, and then Person B pays attention to what they've heard.

This is a BAD way for relationships to go all the time. Now we've all been there, we're all guilty of staring at the t.v. or reading a book or something and totally zoning out and then someone tries to talk to us. But we need to work on it. If we value our relationships, we need to ensure that we never let this most basic of building blocks go. It's the only way we'll ever truly be able to express our emotions, and the only way we'll ever be able to get to know another person. It was once said that the best way to get someone to be interested in you is to be interested in them. So you listen to them. Show them they're important to you. Give a little of yourself, tell about you, open yourself up a bit.  They'll often reciprocate. The relationship will begin to build right before your eyes.

Once you start to communicate with someone, you often find things that you like about them.  But until you respect each other, this isn't getting anywhere fast.  If you don't respect each other, you're not building anything- you're tearing it down.  If you don't treat the other person like your equal, like someone worth knowing and having around, soon they WON'T be around and you WON'T know them.  So focus on what they do right.  Compliment their strengths.  When they ask for help, don't be condescending.  Don't rip at their self-esteem.  People who walk on other people or who don't treat others with respect are often the people who wind up very lonely in the end.

Now, I'm not saying ignore the other person's faults.  But think on this- are you aware of your own flaws?  Chances are they know theirs as well.  We are our own worst critics.  Sometimes we need a friend to tell us we're messing up, or that we have a flaw we didn't notice before.  But it must be done nicely, respectfully.  If you were overweight, you wouldn't want someone telling you "Oh my gosh you look so HUGE! Don't you ever work out?" but you might appreciate a friend offering to be a workout partner- or asking if you'd be theirs.  Similarly, if someone's fatal flaw is pride, don't tell them "Wow, you're the most conceited person I've ever MET!" Instead, when they do something that offends or hurts someone, point it out gently.  You never know when you'll have lettuce in your teeth and you want them to point it out to you discreetly and not either yell it out to the whole world or allow you to walk around making a fool out of yourself.  Why?  Because people who respect each other, people with a relationship, don't do that to each other.

When you've got communication and respect down, then it's time to work on trust. This is a HUGE deal. With co-workers you have to be able to trust that they'll show up on time and pull their weight. With friends, you have to trust that they'll keep your secrets, that they'll keep you honest, and that they'll let you know when you're making a fool of yourself. You have to trust that these people you're building relationships with aren't out to hurt you. With your siblings you have to trust that no matter how mad they are or how much they say they hate you they really do love you and will NOT actually stab you with the knife they're brandishing. With your parents you have to trust that the advice they give you is good and that they only want what's best for you. You have to trust your significant other not to cheat on you. Unfortunately, not all people in these positions earn the trust. And they don't always trust you. But if you start with the first two building blocks, trust will slowly build. And if it doesn't than this relationship is not going to be a strong one, and you'd better never expect it to get off the ground.

I have friends I would trust my life to. They have kept many secrets, and whenever they tell me to jump, there's a good reason. These are the friends I would trust to back me up in a fight, whether they were any good at actually fighting or not. These are the people I've worked really long and hard on our relationship with. And trust me when I tell you this fact- broken trust is harder to heal than a broken heart. If you have someone's trust, completely and totally, DO NOT screw it up. You might not get another chance. I've gotten into BIG fights with friends, and I forgave them in a matter of days because I still trusted them. I had a guy break my heart, and I was over it in a matter or weeks. But there have been guys who broke my trust. One I don't think I'll ever be able to trust again, and it had been years already. The other one just damaged it, and it took three years for me to extend the rest back to him. It never heals. It might grow again, but the scares are always there.  I thought my husband didn't trust me at first when we were dating, and I nearly dumped him because of it.  We cleared up the misunderstanding, but trust is a deal-breaker. This is a big, important building block. The others can be fixed and healed. You can forget someone ignoring you a bit. You can get over a respect lapse, although that one takes time. But you cannot heal trust completely. Those scars stay with a person forever as a means of self-preservation. DO NOT mess with this block.

When you have all these blocks in place a real relationship is starting to blossom. But don't forget the rest of my mom's advice- it needs hard work and constant upkeep. If you ignore it for a while, it will start to erode. If you slack off on any of the building blocks, they will start to weaken and shrink, possibly collapsing the whole structure you worked so long and hard to build. Think of the Colosseum, the Parthenon, the Sphinx. These are beautiful, old structures that have stood for thousands of years... kind-of. They are cracking and degrading, falling apart. Out of all of the 7 Wonders of the World, only one still stands. Nothing can resist the ravages of time, invaders, and the elements without constant upkeep and repair.

Beware of some of the major pit-falls of relationships:

1. Words spoken in anger. They can never be taken back, but can have lasting effects, like the story of the boy who had to pound nails into the fence whenever he lost his temper. The nails got removed as he learned to keep his temper, but the fence was riddled with holes and had to be replaced because it was ruined. Don't let your relationships be places where you drive nails. Take a chance to cool down before you say (or do) anything you'll regret later.
   
2. Thoughtlessness. Think, at least a little before you speak or act. Your words and actions can have a devastating effect on those around you. My mom likened your life to being the driver of a bus full of the people you have relationships with. If you crash, or do something reckless, they're going to be affected to.
3. Complacency. When you get so comfortable in your life that you start taking your relationships for granted, you're in for a huge wake-up call. Like I said, it takes constant work, and one person cannot hold a relationship together by themselves forever. Barely doing the minimum requirements in a relationship won't help it grow, and soon you'll wished you actually FIXED those darn cracks in the dam instead of just plugging them when they all run together and the whole thing collapses in on you.

Work hard, and try to keep these three major demons at bay, and I think you might just have a shot at a good, strong, healthy relationship. My mom always said, get these three in place and the rest just kind of fall into line. When you respect someone, you try to think of what would be convenient for them- you try to make their life a little bit easier, try to communicate their way, understand them a bit better. Understanding comes through communication. Love can grow in this fertile ground, and these strong relationships can last a life-time, or they can last a year, but they WILL last with a little effort on both sides.